My friends at Spirit Hoods posted the above photo on their Facebook wall. I decided to repost because it described exactly how I felt. But, I guess that is to be expected when you are sleep deprived. So forgive me if I ramble today, my head is a little foggy.
After four hours of sleep, I found myself driving down the road on the way to the doctor’s office for an appointment I scheduled a few weeks ago. All the while thinking, What the heck was I thinking? I am so not a morning person. My sleep deprivation is a result of anxiety I guess, have a lot on my mind these days.
If you read the About Me page, then you already know I have been fighting cancer, GCT, since 1998. I have never been in remission. My tumor re-growth usually occurred within months of have a debulking surgery. I have had several surgeries and each one has more and more complications. Last year I underwent a treatment of Avastin through a clinical trial, which was working, but the doctor’s had to take me off of it in October because I needed to have an ER Surgery for a hernia. After the surgery were several complications which caused me to ousted from the program. You can’t miss more than 8 weeks between treatments. It was the first time since my diagnosis that a treatment actually worked, so I was devastated. Now they want to try another treatment they refer to as BEP . This treatment can effect lung function. Therefore, I have to be admitted into the hospital for four days each cycle. That side effect alone is a little scary. And, since I am no longer in a clinical trial, my medical cost will increase significantly. Insurance only covers 80 percent. So I have been thinking about the medical bills. I almost passed out on Saturday when I received the bills from both the hospitals I had been admitted to recently. On top of everything else, I my left brain wants to clean, organize and label everything so that Kat and my husband can find things while I am out of it or for the just incase scenario.
Most people hate when I mention the “just in case scenario” and respond with “think positive”. However, I tend to have this “I do, but I also live in the real world” mentality. And, truth is my right brain is lives life, plans for a future and doesn’t think about cancer . My left brain, which unfortunately is on overload right at the moment, knows I need to be prepared and I need to prepare my family.
I worry about Kat, her schooling, and her future. I worry about who is going to take care of my puppies like I do. I worry about all the things that need to be done around the house. I worry about my husband and how he is going to handle things. I worry about loading him up with expenses that I will exceed our income at a minimum by 400 percent this year. And, I worry about being stuck. Stuck in a rut because of the effects of chemo. I really want to get back into the real world and have a job again, but then I worry about who would hire me with all my cancer problems. I worry about being in a bad space with my brother, he is not speaking to me at the moment because I had the audacity to talk to my father about how I felt about his decision-making after college. Because I was worried about him. He in only 26, I am 45. My father says I need to quit worrying about everything and everyone else, but it is a little hard to. Anyway, I guess I just worry, so therefore tend to be sleep deprived.
Anyway, sorry for ranting and rambling one, but I do want to say one more thing. If it were cold enough here, I would so rock a Spirit Hood because they are about feeling young, having fun and animal conservation. We all need a little of that now and again. Who knows, maybe I still will when the chemo makes my hair fall out. After all, if people are going to stare I might as well give them something fun to stare at. Oh, they also have a blog at the link above if you want to read it.
Well, I guess I better go, Jake is letting me know it’s feeding time.